Idiots Guide To Sex

* If she wants to do it French, Russian or Greek, it doesn't mean you have to go to Berlitz and learn the language.

* "Faster, Harder, Deeper" is not the motto of the Olympics.

* A Fallopian tube is not part of a TV set.

* Membership of the Mile-High Club is void if you apply by yourself.

* A clitoris is not something you order from a florist.

* Contrary to popular belief, Grape Nuts is not a venereal disease

* If it doesn't make you smile: you AIN'T DOIN' IT RIGHT!

* When she comes down wearing her most expensive body stocking and asks you to come to bed, don't say you first want to check your e-mail.

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Women Talk

Mother (to daughter): "Didn't I tell you that if a boy touches your ASS you say, "Don't!" and if he touches your BOOBS, you say "Stop!"?

Daughter: Yes Ma, but he touched both, so I said "Don't Stop!"

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A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price.

The designer starts the tattoo-ing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable." The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

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WANTED

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.

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